The Rules of Doitsuism are constantly growing. Most of the rules are recorded in The Book of Doitsuism while others are only brought into existence and kept alive through the sheer power of voice (and with the help of reblogs).

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Translations by Sister Coral:

[Note: the translation by Sister Coral of these rules may differ (grammar wise, structure wise, etc.) from the translations of other translators]

Rule 1 

"Do unto others as you view you should. 

You're Doitsu, bitch.

These Motherfuckers ain't shit compared to you."

Rule 2

"Work hard.

Train more often."

Rule 3

"German Sparkle Parties are an obligation on Friday, as they are a ceremony to celebrate His Holy Potatoness.

These parties shall be open for any and all, and everyone shall drink in honor of the Doitsu from the ceremonial Beer Boots.

Rule 4

"Make pasta, not war. 

Unless you’d rather eat war, in which case go ahead."

Rule 5

"The potato is a holy object our Savior Doitsu left for us so that we may eat and grow MACHO as He is.

Let His followers enjoy and partake of all forms of the potato."

Rule 6

"Those who offer you the unholy scones only seek to lead you down the path of sin.

Do not listen to these sinners, those who follow the voice of the Eyebrowed One."

Rule 7

"Silence is golden, and so are potatoes."

Rule 8

"Dogs are to be respected.

Actually, any animal is to be respected, no matter what they are.

This includes politicians."

Rule 9

"The proper response to enemy infiltration?

Time out.

If that fails, crush them. Show them how bright your Doitsu shines."

Rule 10

"The Doitsu comes in many forms to different fandoms.

Although our Doitsu is in his familiar muscly delicious form to the Hetalians….  

To Homestucks, he is ANDREW HUSSIE, giver of LIFE and DEATH.  

To the Avatar and Korra fans, he is THE NEXT AVATAR, ready to BRING PEACE to the WORLD.  

To the Sherlockians he is LESTRADE, because THIS is NOT HIS DIVISION.  

And to the Harry Potter fans, he is DUMBLEDORE, because of LOGIC and WISDOM.  


The point is that every fandom is worshiping the Doitsu in their own way— so don’t mock or degrade others for enjoying their fandom sect."

Rule 11

"Grandpa Rome died for your sins"

Rule 12

"Do or do not.

There is only Doitsu"

Rule 13


Rule 14

"All roads lead to Doitsu."

Rule 15

"Do not force the ideals of your faction of ships upon others.

All ships are seen and recognized within the Shine of the Doitsu.

Just because you do not like something does not mean it is okay to mock others for it."

Rule 16

"The HORSE MASK is a traditional headdress.

Not necessary in some sects of Doitsuism.

But a callback to the old days when the brave Germania first tamed the wild horse with his bare hands and a good lager."

Rule 17

"Treat your assigned Homestuck with respect and companionship,

For they shall return these affections to you.

They are like the Good Samaritans of Doitsu.

Not part of the religion, but particularly good folk."

Rule 18

"The rate of exchange is for every five Deutsche marks, you must trade five cats, especially if doing business at the Arby's weekly market! And now, the weather."

Rule 19

"If you are uncertain if the other person you are addressing is a Doitsuist,

Grab them (gently) by the shoulders,

Stare into their eyes,

And tell them they Shine bright.

If they respond with the same they are a fellow supporter,

Otherwise they may regard you as crazy."

Rule 20

"The anti-Doitsu may be warded off by doing 20 hail Doitsus,

Which are push ups.

So drop and give us 20."

Rule 21

"Thou shall not discriminate against tomatoes. They may be different, but Doitsu created everybody equal."

Rule 22

"Always carry around an emergency suitcase for wurst case scenarios"

Other Rules

"All for Doitsu, Doitsu for all."

"What you are on the outside does not matter. It is what you have inside that counts. Never forge it upon others.'

"The human body emits light, (electromagnetic radiation) that travels all the way to outer space and is eternal and everlasting. Around 4 pm every day, it is the DOITSU HOUR, for that is when we are visibly the brightest all day."

"At 4 PM, all followers of the religion of Doitsuism hail Lord Doitsu. That means doing push-ups with a potato on your back in honor of our savior."

"Doitsu will always return."

"Potatoes are to be feared and respected, for they are Messengers of our Holy Lord Doitsu."